Happy Memorial Day

It’s coming up on Memorial Day weekend and I’m going to do what the rest of you liberal homos won’t do. I’m having a flag pole party. You didn’t even know it was a thing, did you? Jesus how out of touch unsolid piles of shit are. I’m sure this weekend your pansy asses will be attending a hipster gender reveal for a soon to be gender fluid Cab Calloway attending “it”. What color butt cannon gets launched at an LGBT gender neutral artificially inseminated baby reveal party anyway?

You disgust me more than my buddy Earl in his suspended dungarees. The way that guy has to sit in that folding church chair, eating his wife’s German potato salad is beyond comprehension. How the chair doesn’t collapse under his weight I don’t know. The way he positions himself so his testicles hang just beyond the corner of that chair like over-ripened molding Valencia oranges too light to break away from their branch, but just heavy enough to drag nearly an inch above ground is a sight not to behold.

I shake my head in disgust, not at Earl. Well, yes at Earl, but for a different reason. He’s got diabetes and he can’t help what happens to his ripened mango-sized-sack. Which actually, now that I think about it; It’s size could be more due to the fact that ever since his wife found out he went with us to the Canton Inn, she stopped role playing Naughty Night Nurse Irene. And, he no longer gets a sponge bath, a happy ending, and a monthly bed sores lookover.

I shake my head in disgust at thinking about an LGBT butt cannon gender reveal, and at how out of touch you are with Real Americans like me. Out of touch to Patriots like Earl. First Responders like Bella who even though she dropped out of the Georgetown Del Tech Campus, still serves her country in an ambulance. Sure, she serves it while screaming like a siren as she gets plowed by half the boys at Federalsburg’s volunteer fire house hours into a Beef & Beer celebrating Jackie and Logan’s out of wedlock mongrel son, but she serves it, god bless her. None of you can say you’d do that far for your country or a mongrel.

I already got my 4 bags of quickcrete. My buddy John is coming over with his auger, and a 30 pack. Before slapping this shitty post together, I bought an 18-foot telescoping aluminum 2 flag hanging pole from Amazon. Yeah I know, you thought I was gonna say Walmart. You don’t know me, cocksucker. Try to label me. Call me names all you want. I won’t sink that low. You wrestle with a pig, you both get dirty. In two days, that pole will be here. And it’ll be erect. And it will be glorious. Plus, Walmart only had the single flag version in stock. I need to be able to fly two. One for Old Glory, which you hate and would burn faster than you’d say yes to a hand job at a Pride Parade.

The other flag? Blue lives Matter. I’m not afraid to put that shit on my front lawn. God, please let it offend someone. Please let them call the HOA so I can be on Hannity and start a god-fund me campaign and get rich. My half-breed nephew gets all offended, and shakes his vape sucking head whenever I wear my BLM/POW shirt. I just look over at his mother and ask when’s his daddy get paroled so he can start teaching junior here how to deal and pass on the family legacy.

I’m honoring everyone this weekend when I raise my flags. Honoring every full blooded American you are afraid to stand up for. The heroes not afraid to murder little brown women and children while they defend our nation in time of war. I’m even willing to honor first responders who still don’t have a day. I vow to honor anyone and everyone you don’t like. Patriots, they come in all shapes in sizes. Yes, like Earl’s barely hanging from the vine tomatillos.

Earl. Flag poles. Mongrels. Americans. Ambulances. Beef & Beers. I love America and I know you don’t. I pretend to be angry because I’m smarter than you. What makes me not angry and smarter than you?

1. I spent an hour in a bunker doing a podcast that won’t air.

2. Catwoman and Black Widow aren’t here anymore screeching nonsense about Hillary.

3. That you people want to fuck up America by giving poor people the rights they are too dumb to defend.

I love America, and I serve it. I serve it every god damn day of my life and I’m proud to do it. No, not in the military. You could die doing that shit. I serve the mail. Rain, wind, snow, hail. Let it be known here on this day that us brothers and sisters in the Selbyville and Middleford Postal Workers Union truly believe we should be classified above first responders.

Yes, I didn’t serve my country. I didn’t want to, didn’t have to, and I love people that didn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t. I’m not a hypocrite. I’m smart. I’m nowhere near embarrassed by it either. Tough guys are tough guys. Patriots are patriots. Rich people get rich because they worked hard, or their family had a trucking business allowing them to be a fat fuck up for a few dozen years, and live off a trust fund. Who am I to challenge revisionist history? We live in a fucking republic and that’s how it is. Family wealth gets passed down generation to generation.

Fallen or Standing, Served/Not Served. All Patriots in this country deserved to be honored by real Americans with big, newly erected flag poles. And THAT will always be what makes me better than you.

ED Note: Donviti had me at “It’s coming up on Memorial Day weekend and I’m going to do what the rest of you liberal homos won’t do.”