El Somnambulo Reviews Wrestlemania 37-Night One

An utterly insipid pre-game panel featuring one Kayla Braxton as the host; Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler, dressed like a maitre d’ at a red gravy joint; Booker T: JBL, and somebody named Peter Rosenberg.

It’s been raining in Tampa, but it appears that it will stop in time for the kickoff of the show.

Drew McIntyre will challenge champ Bobby Lashley in the opener.  The basic idea is that McIntyre was denied his chance to the win the belt in front of fans last year, although he won.  Lashley is likely a transitional champion. This should be one of the better matches on the card.

Vince McMahon, looking notably thin to me, welcomed the fans back.  Someone by the name of  Bebe Rexha, along with her almost totally visible boobs, sang ‘America The Beautiful’, and not well.

OK, we’re all watching on PPV. Why do we need endless filler? The justifiably-maligned Michael Cole, Samoa Joe and Byron Saxton are the announcers. Oh, snap. There’s a delay due to lightning in the area. At 8:10.  Tickticktick…Interviews to fill the time: Shane McMahon, Bobby Lashley and MVP, Drew Mcntyre, The New Day, Braun Strowman, 8:21. Tickticktick.  Kevin Owens.  Michael Cole and Samoa Joe, sporting ponchos (are they real ponchos or Sears ponchos?), inform us that Wrestlemania will begin in 5 minutes. 8:25.  Tickticktick. Bianca Belair, wearing 6-inch eyelashes; Seth Rollins;  Miz and Morrison; now we’re getting the video package for Lashley and McIntyre. For the second time. We’ve uh, already gone past that 5 minute warning.  WWE lying. Who’dathunkit?

Now they’re introducing co-hosts?  Including Hulk Hogan (brother, dude) of the racist screeds. And Titus O’Neal. Not much cheering for Hogan.  They’re still pumping in crowd noise, though.

WWE Championship Title Match.  Intros start at 8:40. Drew McIntyre vs. Bobby Lashley.  Good thing this is likely to be a power on power match.  Shouldn’t have to worry about a slippery ring. Bell rings at 8:45. I wonder if the time of some matches will be cut. For those who don’t ordinarily watch WWE, the camera cuts almost every single time a blow is allegedly struck. It is dizzying.  Three minutes in, it’s a typical WWE TV match.  Already doing near-falls at 8:54.  We’re basically seeing power moves followed by near-falls.  The punches look even shittier than usual, thanks to high-def. McIntyre almost gets Lashley to tap to the Kimura Lock.  Good psychology there.  Lashley gets the ‘Hurt Lock’ (full nelson) on McIntyre. McIntyre ‘passes out’. Lashley wins. I’m 0 for 1.  A good match, not a classic. Frankly, a little disappointing.  20 minutes.

Stupid backstage skit with Bayley and the NWOld. Mercifully short.  Man, those guys are ancient.

We’ve got commercials…on Wrestlemania?

Tag Team ‘Turmoil’ Match.  No point in explaining the rules, it’s pretty much designed to get the lower-card women on the show. ‘Makeshift tag teams thrown together’, sez Michael Cole. He’s right.  First two teams are Lana and Naomi and Carmella and Billie Kay (no first names, please).  Oh, gawd, neither team is, um, good. Carmella and Billie Kay get the pin. Here come Ruby Riott (real name?) and Liv Morgan. ‘Riott Squad’ wins. Here come Mandy Rose and Dana Brooke.  They’re wearing sunglasses.  Now they’re not.  Doesn’t look like there’s anything natural about either of ’em.  Reminds me of something that Bob Costas once said about the Raider cheerleaders: “They’re like the girls next door…if you live next door to Caesar’s Palace.”  Riott Squad wins although announcer screws it up. Natalya and Tamina (their dads were Jim ‘The Anvil’ Neidhardt and Jimmy (Superfly/Murderer?) Snuka, are next.   The winner gets a shot at the tag team champs tomorrow. Tamina & Natalya win.  They’re good.  Match improved as it went along.

Seth Rollins vs. Cesaro.  WWE really missed the boat on Cesaro.  He had everything needed to be a champion, including great in-ring skills. But Vince just couldn’t see it.   Seth Rollins’ character has had ‘go-away’ heat for over a year now, but he’s also excellent in the ring. Given time, this should be one of the best matches of the weekend. There. Will Be. Giant. Swings. Bell rings at 9:32.  Cesaro misses a drop kick by about a foot.  Even the announcers couldn’t cover it.  Story is that Cesaro has a ‘bad arm’, which Cesaro is selling.  Betcha it plays into the finish.  Love Cesaro’s European uppercuts.  Another story thread is that Rollins keeps countering Cesaro’s giant swings.  Now Cesaro has it. 9 swings, but his arm hurts, and he has to drop him.  Spectacular 360-degree corkscrew splash off the top rope by Rollins. Cesaro with a neutralizer. Cesaro kicks out of Pedigree. Great work by both men.  Rollins kissing his own ass. Doesn’t usually work out. Cesaro gets Rollins in amazing airplane spin.  Now the giant swing. 23 of ’em. Neutralizer! Cesaro wins. Match of the night by far!  Will anything top it?

Kayla ‘interviews’ Drew Ziegler and Robert Roode, who hold one of the many WWE Tag Team Titles.

Raw Tag Team Championship Match: The New Day (Champs) vs. AJ Styles and His Allegedly 7-foot-3 bodyguard, Olmos.  Olmos has never been in a match before. A Mutt-n-Jeff team, not unheard-of in tag-team rasslin’.  AJ will have to take at least 80% of the match for his team, which is tough since he has some of that K-T tape on his left shoulder.  And, yes, he’s being double-teamed seemingly forever.  Olmos will get the hot tag at some point.  He’ll ‘run wild’, but will he win? Did I say 80%? At least 90%. Styles is a great ‘babyface in peril’, even though he’s not the babyface in this match.  And now, the big guy is tagged in. He’s not ‘running wild’, just standing there.  He’s impervious to pain, I tell ya.  Just a big slow guy doing power moves. I’m not impressed.  Did I mention slow? I meant ponderous.  But he/they win.  Meh.  AEW has a much better tag-team division than WWE.

Didja know that ‘Save Your Tears’ by The Weeknd is an Official Theme Song for Wrestlemania? Now you do. We heard about 4 bars.

Steel Cage Match: Brawn Strowman vs. Shane McMahon. Here’s the storyline: Shane has called Strowman stupid. Strowman claims he’s not stupid. That’s it. Why didn’t Shakespeare think of that?  McMahon is 50 now, he’s done some stupid stunts in his (few and far between) matches before.  They’ll have to do some smoke and mirrors here.  Strowman is ambushed by two jabronis before he can get in the cage. It’s true, he is stupid. Who didn’t see that coming? McMahon now has a chair.  Strowman wrestles the chair away.  This will have to be quick. McMahon ‘blows up’ (meaning gasses out) quickly.  Now, it’s slowed down to a crawl. Speed is not Strowman’s weapon either. Now the two jabronis are climbing the cage to help McMahon. Doesn’t work, McMahon falls from the top of the cage.  Now they’re both at the top of the cage after McMahon needed only to drop to the floor, but taunted Strowman and paid the price.  Strowman throws McMahon from the top of the cage onto the mat.  Running power slam. Strowman wins. Better than it had any right to be.  Strowman has now been positioned as a credible babyface.

Bathroom break time.  The 2020 and 2021  WWE Hall Of Fame classes.  Mostly non-entities. Or guys who had previously been inducted in other permutations.  Ceremony aired earlier this week.

Here come a bunch of hopping bunnies for this WWE Comedy match. Bad Bunny, who apparently is big in music circles, joins with Damien Priest to face John Morrison and The Miz.  This is doubtlessly set up to enable Bad Bunny to defeat the annoying Miz.   Mr. T or Donald Trump he’s not, but they pretty much always have a match like this every year featuring a celebrity of some sort.  Jee-zus, it’s taking forever to get this match to the ring.  Why the feud? Because Miz and Morrison put paint on Bunny’s ‘$3.6 mill’ white Bugatti.  That’s a car.  This match shouldn’t take long. Bad Bunny is baited in to start the match. Stalling by Miz. Bunny goes down from a punch two seconds before Miz throws it. Miz selling for the Bunny. The match is totally choreographed, but Bunny is pretty damn good. He’s now the ‘babyface in peril’. Priest hasn’t got the hot tag yet. Matches like this really expose the business. Booker T on commentary: ‘C’mon Bunny, suck it up, kid’.  This is going on too long.  Way too long. I think the crowd is dying. Finally, the hot tag!  Priest ‘runs wild’.  Bunny and Priest double-teaming.  Major props to Bunny.  Guy really prepared for this. Bunny off the top rope for the win.  I doubt that any celebrity has ever put this much work in.  The end was satisfying.  Should’ve been shorter, though.

Women’s Smackdown Championship Match: Sasha Banks vs. Bianca Belair.  Justifiably tonight’s main event.   The feud has been built up really well, and these are two of the top women performers anywhere.  Both have loads of charisma, especially Belair, who has a unique look.  Great to see two women of color at this level. On merit.  You can see genuine emotion on both of their faces right before the bell, a proud moment. In a cool move, Belair presses Banks over her head outside the ring, and carries her over her head up the stairs, and dumps her back into the ring.  Banks is playing the heel and Belair is the face in this match.  Lots of creative spots, including Banks using Belair’s supersized braid as a weapon. Belair is both athletic and super-strong. Banks playing the role of the wily veteran well.  Both women selling well.   Belair uses a brilliant series of moves to escape the ‘Banks Statement’.  Doesn’t quite nail a 450 from the top rope. Banks kicks out.   Belair uses her braid like a whip. Belair gets a pin almost out of nowhere with the KOD (don’t know what it is, just know what it’s called).  Great match, meaningful match. Belair is a star.  Perfect way to end the evening.