El Somnambulo Reviews Wrestlemania 37: Night 2

The hot rumor making the rounds is that Becky Lynch will return tonight, likely in a truck, following her being away for almost a year away as she became a mom.  Looks like there’s a ready-made feud with Bayley awaiting her.   Tonight’s ‘celebrity’ is Logan Paul.  Yet another media creation who is ‘famous for being famous’. I think Dorothy Parker coined that phrase.  Man, there are some bad angles for tonight. Sami Zayn is obsessed by ‘The Deep State’. There’s something called a ‘Nigerian Drum Match’, nobody knows what it is.  By far the most tasteless angle is between Randy Orton, The Fiend, and a grown woman (Alexa Bliss) who pretends that she is an 8-year-old who swings in a swing and sucks a big lollipop. Since when did Matt Gaetz join the writing team?

The ‘New Voice Of Country Music’, Ashland Craft, sings ‘America The Beautiful’.  My take? Country music doesn’t need a new voice. At least, not that new voice.  Back-to-back shitty renditions. Two performers who aspire to be C-listers. And will likely fall short.

‘Co-hosts’ Titus O’Neal And Hulk Hogan come out dressed like buccaneers. We’re ‘treated’ to some bad pirate patter.

Randy Orton vs. ‘The Fiend’. They’re getting the worst angle out of the way first. I predict smoke & mirrors. They’re piling on the pyrotechnics tonight. Guess the weather prevented the fireworks last night.  The story is that Orton ‘burned the Fiend alive’.  Except, of course, Alexa Bliss, pretending to be an 8-year-old, predicts that The Fiend will be reborn. Which he was, in perhaps the worst mask in wrestling history.  Think burnt flesh.  Well, the Shockmaster’s mask was worse.  But only b/c it fell off when it wasn’t supposed to.  Alexa Bliss, wearing fishnets that presumably are appropriate for an eight-year-old, prances out. Turns the handle on a large Jack-In-The Box.  Up pops the Fiend, wearing his old mask. He does a couple of shitty moves, and poses. Forever. Orton sells like he’s in La La Land.  BTW, The Fiend has always sucked as a wrestler.  Orton beating up The Fiend who is, wait for it, ‘impervious to pain’. Pyro from the corners. Rudy Giuliani-like hair dye streams across the face of Alexa Bliss. The Fiend is mesmerized. Randy Orton pins The Fiend.  Lights go out…they come back on and…it’s over. Total suckitude. But I guess the story must continue.  The worst segment of the weekend so far by far. Kill this angle dead.

Oh, man, our ‘buccaneers’ are back, along with Eric Bischoff, and Bayley playing an annoying podcast hostess. Her show? ‘Ding Dong, Hello’.  Well, the first half-hour of this show really sucked.

WWE Women’s Tag Team Championship.  Challengers Tamina and Natalya (they won that 5-way last night) vs. Champions Nia Jax & Shayna Baszler.  Nia Jax is literally a dangerous wrestler–she has inadvertently injured at least three other women.  Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen tonight. Natalya and Baszler start.  Uh oh, in comes Nia.  Tamina tags in. They jaw at each other.  Nia is a big slow woman who can’t wrestle.  They get her out of there.  Baszler’s punches look weak, but her other offense is good.  The heels are getting the heat on Natalya, who is officially ‘the babyface in peril’.  Tamina still selling a body slam outside the ring.  Slow offense. We’re waiting for the hot tag.  Hurry up. Tamina ‘breaks’ up the three count, except the ref had to hold the third count ’cause she was late.  Even Tamina’s stuff is sloppy.  Omigod.  Both Tamina and Natalya had to wait for at least two seconds for Nia to jump from the top rope for a planned spot. They just waited there in position. Awful. Now it’s Nia and Tamina. Nia drops an ‘S’ bomb. They bleep it out, but too late.  The crowd is liking this more than me. Tamina takes forever to do the ‘Superfly Splash’.  And misses by about six feet. Natalya gets the sharpshooter on Nia, but Baszler is official.  She puts a sleeper on Natalya, and wins.  I hope this picks up soon, or it could be a two-match show.

Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens.  Zayn is playing a paranoid character who believes that everybody is against him.  Kevin Owens is a classic babyface who deserves better.  Somehow, media celebrity Logan Paul will be involved in this match.  It’s not clear whose side he’s on. I don’t care, but it’ll likely figure into the finish of this match.  At least both Zayn and Owens are excellent wrestlers.  Gotta give Zayn props.  He’s playing this ridiculous character to the hilt.  As Rich Kotite would say, “He didn’t leave anything in the locker room.”  Zayn and Owens, both from Quebec, have known each other forever.  They should match up well.  Owens with a power bomb, Zayn rolls out of ring. Owens snaps Zayn across the ropes, cool move.  Zayn suplexes Owens’ neck on the apron.  That had to hurt. For real.  Man, Zayn’s punches are terrible. Not even close.  Zayn with a Michunoku Driver, but Owens kicks out.  Some great near-falls.  Owens with a superkick and stunner.  One-two-three.  Excellent match between two pros.  Logan Paul congratulates Owens. Zayn freaks out and stomps away.  Owens stuns Logan Paul.  Ho-kay.  Hope that doesn’t mean he’s coming back…

Horrible skit with stoner dork Matt Riddle , Great Khali, and RVD, who did the stoner character a whole lot better than Riddle.

United States Championship: Challenger Sheamus and  Champion ‘Original Bro’ Riddle (they’ve taken away his first name, just typical WWE stupidity). This is a belt that means nothing. Riddle wrestles barefoot.  Sheamus is so pale that every slap raises some color.  This, at best, is a match between two mid-carders.  Sheamus is the babyface in this match.  Riddle isn’t a heel, it’s just that his character is so dorky.  Much slower match than Zayn/Owens. Riddle tries, fails, to get Sheamus up, he succeeds a second time.  Riddle misses with kicks, Sheamus nevertheless reacts as if he was hit.  Two near-falls from Sheamus.  Nice flip by Riddle from the middle rope onto Sheamus outside.  They tried a super spot from the top rope, but Sheamus couldn’t hold it.  Stumbled down. Too many near-falls.  Riddle tries a flip. Sheamus kicks him in midair, and pins him.  Sloppy match. Not terrible, but it was a mistake to place this match here on the card. Sheamus is the new US champ, for what it’s worth.

Intercontinental Championship: Champion Big E vs. Challenger Apollo Crews. Something called a Nigerian Drum Fight.  Will there be drums?  Crews claims his family is from Nigeria.  Whole lotta shit about ‘the spirit of my ancestors’. I’m not feelin’ it.  No countouts, no DQ’s.  WALE does a number. Finally, someone with musical talent.  Hard to hear the rap, though.  Big E’s great, and this belt has some history.  Yes, there are drums at ringside. Ornamental?  Both guys grab kendo sticks, and they smack each other.  Big E grabs gong, but is foiled. Big E races across ring and spears Apollo onto floor. That was impactful.  Apollo suplexes E onto ring apron. That’s the hardest spot of the ring.  I wish they didn’t use that spot so often.  Apollo throws ‘steel’ (corrugated aluminum) steps at Big E, but Big E rolls away.  Crews is driven into steel stairs.  Big E sets up table in ring. Nice kick to the head from Apollo, followed by massive kendo stick blows. He puts Big E on table. Leaps. misses. Big E about to win, but some huge guy comes in, lays out E, drags Crews over, and Crews covers him for win. No DQ’s, remember?  Crappy ending to a really good match.  The big interloper’s name is not mentioned, but we’ve got a new angle here.  Dave Meltzer says his name is BABATUNDE, and he’s been around, but the announcers pretend they have no idea who he is.

We’re halfway through or so. Second night has dragged a bit.  We need something great to kick off the second half.

We have to see yet another recap of the WWE Hall Of Fame Ceremony?  Forgot to mention last night that Ozzy Osbourne went in. Why? Because he showed up at one Wrestlemania. That’s why Pete Rose is in.

Raw Women’s Championship: Champion Asuka vs. Rhea Ripley. Finally.  I don’t think they can mess this up.  Asuka is one of the best in the world, and Ripley is headed in that direction.  Asuka is tiny, Ripley isn’t. Japan vs. Australia.  Horrible band doing horrible song: “This Is My Brutality”.  Ripley’s entrance music.  Been a long time since WWE really had their musical chops together.  Great looking strikes from Asuka, excellent dropkick from Ripley.  I wish Ripley wouldn’t ‘punch’ Asuka’s hair, doesn’t look great.  Match pace slows. Ripley ‘sells’ right ankle. Asuka lands double dropkick from top rope.  I like Asuka’s spinning heel kicks. Ripley lands dropkick to Asuka while Asuka was on top rope.  Match has become a war of attrition.  Asuka lands a DDT off the apron to the floor.  Relentless stomps from Ripley. Excellent. Ripley lands an ‘outside-in’ suplex.  This how a championship match should feel.  Ripley wins on a move out of nowhere. It seemed like there were more impactful moves that could have led to pins.  It was basically a bodyslam called ‘The Riptide’.  Superb match, I have no complaints.

Another segment with the Huckster, Titus and Bayley.  Out come the Bellas.  Now they’re double-teaming Bayley.  Waste of time. Where’s Becky? Bryan Alvarez writes that Becky Lynch had been expected tonight.  Not providing that pop for the crowd was cheap.  An FU to the fans, who booed the segment.

Smackdown Universal Championship Three Way: Champion Roman Reigns, Edge And Daniel Bryan. This was originally planned as Reigns vs. Edge. But Vince reportedly thought that Edge just looked too old, hence the three-way to keep everybody fresh. Bryan has lost a bunch of matches lately, they clearly hadn’t planned to include him here. But he’s one of the best wrestlers of the past twenty years, and he can wrestle any style.  Reigns is real good.  We don’t know how good Edge will look, or whether he’ll be able to hang.  Li’l Naitch is the ref.  His hair color hasn’t changed.  I’d like to meet his stylist. Reigns is out last, along with Paul Heyman and Jey Uso. Reigns throws Bryan out of the ring, Uso superkicks him. Reigns throws Edge out of the ring. Uso superkicks him. Edge runs wild outside.  Slams Uso into stairs but ‘hurts’ his back.  Everybody’s down.  Uso is hauled out.  Bryan and Edge in ring.  If you watch closely, you see that Bryan’s kicks land lightly on Edge’s arm.  Some real good shots from the hand-held cameras at ringside.  Edge lays out Reigns, but waits FOREVER instead of pinning him.  Edge and Reigns spear each other.  Bryan tries to steal pin after leap from top rope.  You can see the layout: everybody gets a chance to rest while two go at it.  Bryan runs wild in a great sequence. Bryan has the ‘Yes Lock’ on Reigns, Edge makes the save.  Now he has the ‘Yes Lock’ on Edge. Reigns makes the save.  Heyman’s facials are priceless. All three take a break for awhile.  Reigns just sits on edge of ring. Eventually moves the steel steps. Edge is off-camera, presumably downing some Metamucil. Reigns sends Bryan through a table (Spanish announce table?). Reigns in ring. Edge brings in chair, tug-of-war for chair. Edge has crossface on Reigns.  Reigns about to submit. Bryan makes the save.  Again, they’re taking some time to recover. Edge spears Bryan, Edge spears Reigns, ref about to count win, but Bryan pulls ref out of ring.  Here comes Edge with two more steel chairs.  Pounds both opponents with them, puts Bryan’s head on one chair, puts Reigns head on other.  Concerto on Bryan. Uso interferes to save Reigns. Reigns puts Edge’s head on chair. Concerto. Reigns drags Edge over, lays his body on top of Bryan’s, and pins both of them.  Excellent main event, marred only by interference.

Final thoughts: There was more weak stuff tonight.  Not to mention, more interference. Match of the Night: Asuka vs. Ripley, with the three-way close behind. Props also to Owens and Zayn. That’s pretty much it.  Worst match of the weekend: Randy Orton vs. The Fiend.  Thumbs-up for night one, thumbs in the middle, trending, down, for night two.