OPEN APOLOGY TO THE SURGEON GENERAL
From: most of the citizens of Delaware
To: Dr. Joycelyn Elders
Dear Dr. Elders;
We, on behalf of the State of Delaware, wish to apologize for your recent exposure to one of our more outspoken fruitcakes, Christine O’Donnell.
As you probably know based on your familiarity with medical statistics, approximately half of any group composed of two or more people are rectums. Sometimes, some of this 50% can be reasonable, however, as in the case of Christine, she appears to have achieved a state somewhat akin to, yet diametrically opposed to, the state of ‘Buddhahood’, wherein instead of her consciousness joining nirvana, it appears to have joined her rectum.
There are several theories as to why Christine has achieved this opposite of enlightenment. One is based on her claim to be the State Official 40 Year-Old Virgin. Perhaps she makes this claim based on earlier confusion about orifices (orifii?) normally used for procreative sex. While she may have discovered that the orifice she was instructed to use allows her to still claim maidenhood, if this indeed happened it would explain her attitude toward pretty much everyone, i.e., she has decided to attempt same on all who have contact with her.
Nonetheless, we find her colorful and good for at least ten minutes per year of ludicrous entertainment. We hope you will view your recent episode with our State Rectum, aka “DE-REC”, with the same amusement we do.
Abashedly yours,
Most of Delaware
In my best Dan Aykroyd:
Christine, you ignorant slut!
I was in the waiting room of my daughter’s orthodontist this afternoon and the Aug. edition of DE Today has O’Donnell listed in their “Most Eligible DE Singles” spread.
No thanks.
“Nonetheless, we find her colorful and good for at least ten minutes per year of ludicrous entertainment.”
Funny..the same was often said of Elders when she was top doc.
gotta hand it to Chris for the comeback
I may have a bad memory, but Elders was something of an embarrasment and headache for the Clinton Admin…was she not? Drug legalization, contraception handed out in the schools like candy and hands-on mandatory masturbation training.
So Nancy…I stand by my “comeback”.
Chris, you should have noted the irony of Elders, who did indeed tout the benefits of masturbation (go ahead and laugh, but doesn’t it fit in well with abstinence as sex education?), having this disagreement with Christine, whose most easily-Googled document is her treatise against masturbation.
Chris –
You were way ahead and then you blew it. (so to speak)
Masturbation Education vs. Theory of Abstinence?
I got a kick out of Romeo and Juliet in high school. Our teacher was pretty good, and went into the background of the play. The plot was taken by Shakespeare from an earlier Italian Renaissance play. That plot was taken from a much earlier Greek play. The lesson I took from it was that people have been trying to stop teenagers fucking for thousands of years, even using death as in incentive, and it still doesn’t work.
Maybe Elders theories on education, condoms, masturbation make a lot more sense than “Don’t do it.”
By the way, would Jesus have used as much tooth whitener as Christine?
Hey Jason,
Make sure you save this somewhere in the archives. This is a classic that should come out once a year for a giggle.
It should at least be eligible for one of your DE Blogger Awards come the winter…..