It was as difficult a weekend as I had thought it would be.  I can’t imagine they will get much harder but I don’t see them getting an easier over the next few weeks either.  I did pretty good Friday as I was able to keep myself somewhat occuppied with other things.  I would have to say that I have thought about beer and wine this past week about as much as I think about sex.  Which is quite freaking often Imight add.  It is not as much as when I was 18 but still enough for me to wonder how I actually complete work during the day with the thought of alcohol and sex pretty much tag teaming 50% of each minute of my waking day. 

I did my typical drive by Brewers Outlet on Friday but kept going, regretably.  Normally I would find myself over at a friends house around 8pm with a 12 pack and possibly some food for the grill.  It will be the one thing I think I miss most while I clean up.   The hanging out and having some beers, stuffing my face and enjoying mindless banter that spans sports to religion to politics.  I’m sure I can do it without the substances, but having to watch others imbibe will be the hard part.  I am sure I can still head over there on occasion, but it won’t be like it was for various reasons.  I’m not sure if the other party involved will miss me all that much though.  Everyone could probably use break from DV these days. 

My daughter had a volleyball game Friday evening and perhaps I took out some of my aggrivation on the coach.  She played 3 plays and sat out the rest of the games.  They lost, again and have only won one game this year.  The coach’s reason was she didn’t have her gear to practice in on Wednesday so she sat her out this time.  I didn’t have a problem with this excuse if it was the real reason.  It wasn’t and isn’t.  I have been to every game but 2 this year and this is the pattern.  My daughter, like her father, wear her emotions on her sleeve.  Something bad happens, the head rolls, the eyes roll and the shoulders slump.  We are an expressive bunch.  It doesn’t lend well to children though.  Most adults aren’t happy to have a 13 year old acting out there emotions.  On top of that she is going to CAB for Drama, they just aren’t used to this type of outward expression in a CYO league either I guess.  

The next few games we shall see if DV’s power of alcoholess persuasion have any effect.

Saturday morning at about 4:30 am I woke up and thought about beer and not being able to have it.  My son’s birthday was Sunday so luckily there was plenty to do to keep me occupied for the day.  Heading to target, Giant, BJ’s, doing the lawn, cleaning all were decent distractions that you can’t really drink while doing.  I think though, that if I can drink a coke in Target, I should be able to walk around with a Miller Lite as long as I’m not driving.

When I did catch some of the Md v Clemson game I found my pavlovian response to watching football with a beer almost too much to overcome.  Already I was trying to think of alternatives.  Soda?  Odoules? something…I need something. I exhausted myself pretty well Saturday and after watching “Role Model’s” I went to bed a little later than Friday, but slept pretty damn well.

Now it was Sunday and it was/is Football time but it was also my son’s 1 year birthday.  In years past downing a 12 pack over the course of the day is as easy as breathing for me.  Add to it a party and I’m grilling, a beer would pretty much be surgically attached to my palm.  I do wait till around game time to start boozing though.  In the mornings especially this time of year I occupy myself doing yardwork or grocery shopping or both.  Keeping my mind off wanting a beer instead of my morning java. 

I didn’t want to be the schmuck that didn’t serve beer at a party because I am a sadist and not drinking.  The wife went and picked up the beer for me which was smart.  I might have found myself buying a 20 oz and downing it in the parking lot. 

My wifes friend and parents were first to arrive.  Her friend wanted red wine and I didn’t have a problem retrieving one of my 2004 Cab Sav’s.  I popped it open and I shit you not, right now as I type this my mouth is salivating.  The same exact thing happened when I opened and poured the wine.  My mouth was watering and my mind starting going through the rolodex of excuses to just have a quick nip.  I new it was going to be a challenge and sort of was doing this to myself to make it challenging. If there is one thing about me, I do love a challenge.  I constantly test my limits for better or worse.  (as I proof read this my mouth is again watering.  The thought of the ruby red wine pouring into the bottle and me smelling the bouqet are quite powerful.  That first sip of a good wine are hard to put into words)

The harder part came when on occassion it came up why I wasn’t drinking.  I’m not a good liar when it comes to certain things. I don’t have a set story that I can come up with with regard to me not drinking.  So in the end I leveled with a good friend or two and just said I had to get my life in order and prioritize some things.   Alcohol for a long while was not in the right order and the only way I think I can get back on track is to cut it out of my life for a bit.

“But you aren’t going to be able to drink at my wedding”   “You don’t need a beer to go out on a boat”, “Awwww, are you still coming to homecoming”  “You can maybe drink O’Doules”

True and true and True and true.  Three of those things are occassions I have programmed myself to enjoy a beer or 12 or 18 as well as a shot, a louge run and shotgun or two.  And the people I enjoy them with have come to expect it.  What good is a party if there isn’t a “that guy”?

There is always  an excuse to drink and a reason not to though.  Right?  This weekend was one hell of a challenge and I know why I decided to put myself through this incredibly difficult exercise for a reason.  A damn good reason.  I am over the hurdle when it comes to the physical addiction of alcohol.  Now it is the mental and that is going to be a lot harder for me.  I have associated alcohol with so many events that my brain expects it at every turn.  I’m pretty sure they frowned upon my boozing it up at the bring your father to school day last year, but what the hell, I wasn’t working was my mindset.  And that pretty much still applies to me today.  If I’m not working, then it screw it…drink!

I know I can do this, because I want to.  There were several times over the past few months where I was definitely realizing I was depressed and the alcohol was fueling it.  I would come home and lie in bed feeling awful and regretting some of the decisions I had been making in my life.  But, it wasn’t enough to stop me.  I just wouldn’t drink for 48/72 hours and magically I forgot the conversation I had with myself 2 days before. 

I am proud of myself for getting throught this weekend but know there are going to be some tougher challenges ahead. 

Thanks for listening

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. 

There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3. When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you elbow , hit my doorbell.” 

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<
<

“What . . . .. .. You coming empty handed?”

I had a real craving today and as the weekend gets closer the cravings are getting more pronounced.  I really wanted a beer today and felt my body really looking forward to Friday.  I pass by Brewer’s Outlet everyday and the past few weeks have been stopping in on Friday’s to grab a case for the weekend festivities.  I usually bring a 6 or 12 to a friends to compensate for my aggregious face stuffing among other things.  Then that leaves a 12 pack for me at the house and for the rest of the week.  These are the kind of things I have to adjust too. 

But the problem isn’t just adjusting a pattern.  It is adjusting my behavior.   The habit, addictive habit, of making a habit of stopping at a liquor store every friday for a case of beer.  4 cases a month.  $20 a week at least.  Not to mention the drowning my liver takes 🙂   But the beer, the beer is so good.  It taste so damn awesome.  I just spent a week in Amsterdam drinking real Amstel and Heinekens. 

I’m not sure how many times I thought about a drink today but it definitely eclipsed 50 is my guess.  I may be thinking aboout it more b/c I’m giving it up, but the craving I had today was real, very real.  It was a different craving than the past few days.  I could taste the beer.  I saw the bottle and imagined drinking it.  The taste flowing over my pallet.  The “ahhh” that follows the first sip of a freshly popped pale ale.  It was palpabable.  It was a little scary because it was real.  It was my body TELLING me it needs, not wants, needs a beer. 

The Mrs. Viti and I had a little tiff today and at one point I started to say fuck it and was just going to drink.  A commenter on my day one post said,

“there is always an excuse to drink and a reason no too”

I’m sure that is something they say at AA.  One of the may one liners they have at the ready.  I repeated that one over and over after I read it and it really does make sense.  My saying f’ it to this commitment 3 days in after an arguement with the wife was an excuse…but it was also a reason not too.  I think that saying is going to stick with me.  I just hope I don’t get the order wrong and find a reason to drink and excuse as to why I did.

NEW YORK – Organized religion was already in trouble before the fall of 2008. Denominations were stagnating or shrinking, and congregations across faith groups were fretting about their finances.

The Great Recession made things worse.

I almost feel sorry for the churches. I’m sure many of them had good programs for many of the countries needy. But you see, I don’t feel sorry for the churches. God will get along just fine without the money.

Today, some parents, regardless of faith, can no longer afford the thousands of dollars in tuition it costs to send a child to a religious day school. Church officials fear these parents won’t re-endroll their kids if family finances improve because it might be disruptive once they’ve settled into a new school.

I smell voucher program. Wahhhhhhh, we can’t afford to send our kids to private school because wahhhhh we don’t like the “kids” at those schools. They are dangerous and do drugs.

The Association for Christian Schools International, which represents about 3,800 private schools, says enrollment is down nationally by nearly 5 percent. About 200 Christian schools closed or merged in the last academic year, 50 more than the year before.

Someone needs to tell those churches they should follow Falwell, Dobson and the rest of those guys. They seem to have a hate formula that rewards them for their love of all things biblicious.

The National Catholic Education Association is still measuring the toll on its schools, but expects grim news from the hardest hit states, after years of declining enrollment.

How typical, I know damn well they know the numbers. They knew they were closing St. Hedwigs a year before they did it. Wait, no I apologize, the Catholic church would never hide anything.

Religious leaders say the next year or so will be key in determining which organizations survive the downturn intact. Even if the recession ends soon, religious fundraisers say the angst donors feel will not lift immediately, prolonging the difficulties for congregations, schools and ministries.

Hopefully the ones that are the most open and accepting of all humans will make it. Those are the ones we need in this country. Not the ones that seem to dominate today.

Whatever…

F-you is what I have to say to that guy. He was all about Freemarket and deregulation…until the economy collapsed and bankrupted Iceland and a few other countries then sent our country to the brink of ruin and aided a housing bubble that has essentially screwed millions of people out of their jobs and home.

Now he is in favor of regulation. This isn’t golf, you don’t get a mulligan dickhead. At what point does he become a fraud? Or at what point do the right people (our liberal media) prop him up as the perfect example of someone that now gets that a freemarket is not possible.

Humans are weak.

I can’t even imagine what this would be like under a Democrat. The screaming that was done when they found somebody was sneaking out stuff in their socks was un real. But nothing, NOTHING when we learn that the CIA destroyed evidence.

How can you even get angry anymore? Our legal systems and the fuktards that excuse this are the real threats to this country. Everyone hates those lawyers that persue tort reform, but no one on the right has a problem with this? These lawyers are fucking up the USA? These criminals are ruining america? Destroying evidence is ok? Go ahead defend torture, dare even say they didn’t torture. Do it with a straight face. Because if what they did ‘was’ legal, they sure as shit wouldn’t destroy evidence would they.

I guess I hate America because I want criminals prosecuted. Regardless of who the fuck in in power.

Missing Torture Documents

We know that the CIA destroyed critical evidence of Bush-authorized torture of prisoners. We also know that critical evidence in the Padilla trial went missing – tapes of his final torture session. Now we discover, as Marcy Wheeler first noticed, that documents previously cited by the Bush administration no longer exist:

After President Obama took office, he issued a new FOIA policy, instructing executive branch agencies to “adopt a presumption in favor” of releasing information. The Obama Justice Department reprocessed the ACLU’s earlier request under the new guidelines. But when they did so, department officials discovered that 10 documents listed on the index compiled by the Bush administration were nowhere to be found. The Justice Department noted this in a filing [PDF] by David Barron, an acting assistant attorney general, which was submitted last week as part of the ongoing ACLU case and first highlighted by Firedoglake blogger Marcy Wheeler. Barron acknowledged in the filing that even more documents could be missing, because “many” of the documents the Obama team did find were “not certain matches” to the ones on the Bush administration’s list.